Thursday, July 31, 2014

30 Something Days Ago, Plus A Decade, Until Now

Thirty days ago or few more days than that, I decided to write for July 2014 Blogher NaBloPoMo; I was intrigued by the theme - DECADE –


Because I was convinced that the last decade was one of the roughest 10 years plus some, (it actually started before 2003) that I could have imagined. Therefore, I thought hmmm here’s my chance; before I head into the next decade, I could reflect upon the last 10 years and let go of my baggage.  Perhaps if I join the July NaBloPoMo, I can write and express my feelings of my past, in hopes that once on paper it is expelled out of me – I would see the regrets, and sad years for what they were worth.  

Well 30 days into this and truth is, I don’t think I fully reached the cathartic state that I wanted to. Because the truth is, I wrote 22 posts of what I know now…I shared some of my poems and let you all in for a glimpse of my life now.  I wrote about one of my proudest things I did, and let you all know about a life-changing event.  I might have peppered in my fears, worries, and regrets but that’s all they were a tiny pinch reminding me to pay attention.

I found that tonight on Pinterest.  I love it when I receive gifts like that.   I think in the last week I started feeling what the  sign is saying…I think I know who I am,  I know what I  want,  and I know that I am strong.   But more importantly I know that all is right because,  10 years ago I set out to do one thing, and one thing only –  It was achieved -  I became a mom.

Lastly, no one knows what the future holds and that is with good reason. Because if we did, we would lose a connection with the only one you could rely on, yourself.   

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

I once was confident.

What has been my best decade thus far?

I was not going to answer this prompt at all; I looked at it once in the last couple of days …and thought, I have no idea. Then I thought, wow what if I did not have one yet. Which was followed with, what if I wouldn't have one at all?

Tonight, moments ago, I was sitting at my desk, I did not have Word open to start writing, I had BlogHer open and my emails. I reread the post I wrote last night, that I  posted on Tuesday.  I read a couple of other posts from other bloggers and perused Facebook.  

So at this point, motivated to write a post, I am still not sure what I want to write.

I thought tomorrow is July 30, maybe my Simple Abundance book can guide me to a writing frenzy.   Do you remember that book; I lived and breathed this book when it came out

Simple Abundance; A Daybook of Comfort and Joy by Sarah Ban Breathnach – it’s a cherish to me, I still on occasion go to it for comfort.  Nevertheless, not tonight – no… tomorrow’s date is not so inspiring.

What do I write about tonight for tomorrow’s post?  I closed all my windows; emails, Blogher and Bloglovin and finally Facebook – last face I see is my very good friend Christine.  I look at the suggested prompts and read.

What has been my best decade thus far? 

It came to me; my twenties –

I wouldn't actually say my twenties was the best decade, but without this time, I wouldn't be who I am today. My twenties did not make me the woman I am today, no it didn't; it simply made me a woman.

Straight out of school we married, I looked like a 10 year old and he looked like a twelve year old.  We set up house, went out to work, and we haven’t stopped since.  We made friends, had fun, fun at our house, fun outside the home, fun with our friends, we welcomed every celebration with joy and happiness.  I call them the days of wine and roses, filled with laughter. I had more energy and exuberance, if I had an ounce of that today it would be my superpower.   

Was I happy?  Yes! I was married to a wonderful man; whom not only was my love, he was my friend.  We had our whole life ahead of us.  I was no longer the awkward teenager but now a confident adult with a job, an adorable apartment, a bunch of great friends, and a husband.

Do you know what the key word in the above paragraph is?

CONFIDENT – In my twenties I became confident-  without this time  I could not have faced the future,  I would  not  have had the nerve to enroll in acting school  at thirty years  old,  I could not have faced  miscarriages and infertility – I could not have been brave enough to except  my destiny and fate.

I’m not in my twenties anymore …but you know what I once was - I once was confident.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Where’s My Sandy Beach…Let’s Call This Post Exactly What It Is - Beautiful

I think I have admitted to this many times, and if not here goes; I have a very eclectic taste in music.
The Pretenders Performing "Mystery Achievement" Decades Concert TV Special

I mean I listen to so many different kinds of music, that my playlist is all over the place.  This usually gets everyone shaking his or her heads.  The truth is that although I listen to just about everything or anything; my true love in any genre are the words…yes the lyrics.

I was reminded of this because of a fellow blogger, Lily Leung on Blogher wrote a post with the title,
It Is the Evening of the Day”, the title refers to a Rolling Stone song, it is a wonderful post, please read it too... 

I cannot count how many times a line from a song was caught in my head.

I am obsessed with words and lyrics, so much  that I research the lyrics, and either I print them or they are saved on my computer for future readings,  when I print them, a portion of the song or the whole song, the copy  is tacked on the wall in my cubicle at work, or posted on Facebook.  Here are some of my favorites.

Mystery achievement
Where's my sandy beach, yeah
I have my dreams like everybody else
But their out of reach, I said right out of reach
Mystery Achievement by the Pretenders

So I say to myself, "Where is my Sandy Beach?"

Next song is a reminder not to be grumpy; plus, some mornings I recite very loudly for my daughter to hear while waking her up.  

You've got to get up every morning with a smile on your face
and show the world all the love in your heart
Then people gonna treat you better
you’re gonna find, yes, you will
that you're beautiful as you feel 
 Beautiful by Carole King

There are days where I claim let’s call this ____exactly what it is
 Rock steady baby!
That's what I feel now
let’s call this song exactly what it is
Aretha Franklin - Rock Steady Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

I posted this a few week s ago on Facebook; only one friend knew the song can you guess it. Some of the words are cut off, but Laurie still guessed it.

A poignant reminder always, why can’t we learn from our mistakes?

Next on the list is:
Until you've seen this trash can dream come true
you stand at the edge while people run you through
And I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
I thank the Lord there's people out there like you
Mona Lisa’s & Madhatters by Elton John

Yes I thank the Lord for all the good people in my life.

These words affect me every time I hear the songs.  The neat thing, for me it never gets old, I can hear a new song for the first time, and one word followed by another word can change everything about the song, same goes for a song I've heard before. It’s our modern day poetry, and I am in awe of the writer, I wonder how was that done? What made them think of that? Not sure, what the answer is – maybe a muse, a thought, or perhaps just a talent – Whatever it is, does it matter, the song did its job, it entertained. I've listed a few of my favorite lyrics, I've missed so many - perhaps a part 2? 

So believe no lies, dry your eyes and realize
That surprise
La, la, la, la la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...
Glad Tidings by Van Morrison

Monday, July 28, 2014

My message to me…

I had a rough week, but that is behind me now and this morning on Facebook, I received this message
Today, Marisa, we believe God wants you to know that...
It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks.
People are always judging each other and, the truth is, they're not very good at it. Don't put a lot of concern into what people think of you. You weren't created to please and entertain everyone. You were created to be you, so feel good about yourself.
I am going to remember that message – because I need to feel good about what I do, what I want to do, and how I do it.
To confirm this, this came my way too

All I can say is thank you universe –

Friday, July 25, 2014

He Kissed Her!

By Marisa Bernhard

They looked at each other for a moment or two; she knew what he wanted, it showed.  She leaned against the wall, never taking her gaze off him.  He was talking and pacing, saying things about her, all the while getting closer; she thought she was enticing him towards her.

They stood face to face, he was breathing heavy, she smelled his cologne, he smelled intoxicating, and his breath was warm and cool all at the same time.

He took her one hand into his, holding it gently, softly caressing it; he brought the hand to his mouth wanting to kiss it. Changing his mind, he grabbed the other, and then held down both hands near the sides of her body.  With determination and intent, he looked right at her, his eyes dark as night and fixed on her, wanting her to see, wanting her to feel the significance of his action. His lips barely touched hers; he felt her hands quivering beneath his, this excited him more.  He looked into her eyes, begging, pleading to pursue this encounter.

He lifted her chin and with his tongue, he caressed her lips, teasing her, tasting her, he continued tracing her chin and lips with his mouth just touching her skin hardly taking his gaze off her trying to read her mind and hoping she knew how he felt.

She surrendered to his needs, released her hands and lifted her arms above her head; with his mouth he brushed against her lips, slowly caressing her chin, continuing down to her neck, and her scarcely covered breasts. His hands firmly caressed down the side of her body, she shuddered and moaned, he then held her tight, she wrapped her arms around his neck for fear that if she let go; she would fall. His lips met hers. 

He kissed her, and she let him!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Ten of So Many

Each day I wake up at 5 am to post on one my blog.  I also brainstorm or research something pertaining to my blogs.

I am always pressed for time, because I hate to stop writing, it is so peaceful that time of the morning.

I leave the house frazzled because I make sure that everything that needs to be done is done, kids dressed, ready to go, dogs walked, fed and settled.

I love to listen to music when I drive to work, and on my drive back home.

Today I sang Mona Lisas & Mad Hatters by Elton John, while it played on the radio.
Mona Lisas & Madhatters by Elton John and Bernie Taupin

At traffic lights on the drive to work, I am always applying make- up; eyeliner, lip-gloss and blush.

I always say some sort of a prayer to myself at least once during the day.

I enjoy a cup of espresso in the afternoon around 3 pm.

When I pull into my driveway, I let out a sigh…because I’m home.

We always sit at the table to eat dinner together, and talk with each other.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

A post is conceived

I started blogging because I wanted to write; I know everyone says that, but it is true.

I think for me, even though I started blogging almost two years ago …because I posted occasionally back then, I still consider myself as a newbie. 

Having said all of that,  I want to mention that prior to me hitting the publish button for the first time with an actual post,  I had my blogs up for a  few months – designing my blogs I was choosing colors, picking a template, deciding what fonts  I should use, and experimenting by adding different gadgets . 

Learning what I can learn.

So what are 10 things I love about blogging?

Love is such a strong word. Nevertheless, the truth is, yes at first I was struck head over heels, my mouth drooled picking out fonts, my fingers trembled when I wrote the name SquaareKat for the first time and I believe I saw stars when I  first wrote its description, “A four-sided view on just about anything!”

Yes, I fell in love, but the love grew because blogging and I shared a common ground, which is, I love to write – and blog wants my words.  As all relationships go, it needs to start on a solid foundation – words, writing and communicating is that base.

Once all the newness faded, a commitment was established - I love that I am committed to my blogs, regardless of all the hard work that goes into a post.  Being committed to something I create is special.

The little surprises amaze me daily – one surprise is the blogging community – I love the support, the camaraderie that occurs within the blogging world. I love all the kind words, and that help is easy to find.

I love that friendships develop on this forum. These are blind friendships; an alliance without voices, scents, or touches, but a bond nevertheless because of a story, a saying, or a talent that was discovered.

Blogging becomes inspiring, when you surround yourself among gifted writers.

Lastly, I am enamored with the power of words – as I write I watch the words appear on the screen and how it becomes something more than it was planned to be.  A post is conceived.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

When She Spoke

When She Spoke

By Marisa Bernhard

When she spoke, she didn't speak with gracefulness or with a smooth flow of words. Her speech was always choppy and broken up.
She struggled with words, not because of an impediment of any kind but because it was so much easier for her to be silent.
Ah! Silence, a pause, a rest.   Keeping her lips resting on top of one another, her tongue resting behind her lower teeth, it was one of her favorite things to do. She didn't need to struggle trying to get her point across, or explain herself to anyone, and lastly, she didn't have to respond to anyone speaking to her.
All she had to do was breathe. Inhale air through her nose, not wanting to disturb her tongue, teeth, or lips. 
She would fill up her chest with air, and when she exhaled her eyes closed; her upper body, torso, neck, and head gestured as if she would collapse into nothingness. 
Again, she continued breathing in oxygen through her nostrils and filling up her chest.  As she sucked in her belly, and expelled all the air out of her body, trying so desperately to shrink into another form. 

Monday, July 21, 2014

Courage is not always obvious.

It’s Sunday night and I need to write something….

Today I posted Ten Things of Thankful on my other blog, Mangia, Mangia…No Talk!!!
I wrote about a situation that I was thankful for, because I recognized that I am strong… and that by  hiding my reaction, or not reacting, it is creating a better safer barrier… Does that make sense?

Tonight on Facebook, I received a message from God, which was:

Today we believe God wants us to know that...
Courage is not always obvious.
Sometimes courage speaks in a small voice of quiet determination to return tomorrow and try again.

Tomorrow I try again; nothing changes, yet I am that person that will always keep trying…I show up every single day. If that is not enough; well then truth is, that is all I can do, for now.
My small voice is quite determined to speak or not speak, but gently let everyone know that I try each day, no matter what happened I am back and brave.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Retirement Notice...

I found this a long time ago – when I find things that I like, I save them – and I go back to them when I need to smile, laugh or to be inspired. This makes me smile and reminisce.  Enjoy!

Author Unknown

I am hereby officially tendering
my resignation as an adult. I have
decided I would like to accept the
responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think
that it's a four star restaurant.
i want to sail sticks across a fresh mud
puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than
money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and
run a lemonade stand with my friends on
a hot summer's day.
I want to return to a time when life was
simple; When all you knew were colors,
multiplication tables, and nursery
rhymes, but that didn't bother you,
because you didn't know what you
didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy
because you were blissfully unaware of
all the things that should make you
worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair. 
That everyone is honest and good.
  I want to believe that anything is possible.  I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of
computer crashes, mountains of paperwork,
depressing news, how to survive more days
in the month than there is money in the
bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness,
and loss of loved ones,
I want to believe in the power of
smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth,
justice, peace, dreams, the imagination,
mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So ... here's my checkbook
and my car-keys, my credit card bills
and my 401 K statements.  I am officially
resigning from adulthood,

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, cause........
........ Tag!  You're it,"

Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Dragon & the Dragonfly

 By Marisa Bernhard

The opposite of me is you.
You are a gentle giant.
I am a creature, fragile at first glance.
Look again and you will see my vitality.
We balance each other’s spirit!
I fly through time…
You trample over the land.
My song quick, I flutter, I take to the air,
I soar, not much to say.
Your fiery voice scorches all.
It soothes my soul.
The opposite of you is I.
I glistened by… you caught me and proclaimed an angel!
My wings wrapped around your heart.
Your eyes calmed my spirit.
Friends we became,
As one, we explored the land …
Your thoughts are my thoughts.
My fears are your fears.
Our needs are ours’.
My purpose is to take care of you.
My friend be at peace.
I hover around you, handling you with care!
I watch over you and color your dreams…
My wings flutter at your sight.
I soar all around proclaiming my love, or announcing my discontent - your gentle silence quiets my mind.
You are the dragon who found a friend and I am the dragonfly that flew into your heart!

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Three Weeks for Four of Us…

Five years ago, my husband & I set out on a journey that we didn't think was possible.

We played mommy and daddy to a brother and sister for approximately three weeks.

They came from another land and traveled many time zones.

We started our journey towards adoption; and in our sights were a brother and sister age 8 and 6 years old.

We wanted these two:

They arrived at the end of June, not speaking a word of English, and for three weeks through mime, pointing, smiling, and laughing; we became acquainted with one another.

Look at her smile feeding stingrays

At Friendly’s after having a cheeseburger and ice cream

The three weeks flew by and before we knew it they had to go back home; armed with a photo album each, tons of hugs…and a hope that the past three weeks actually happened, they left us.  It was a sad day.

After a long grueling 9 months, we became their parents- it was official, we were now parents to two children that were practically 3000 days old…not easy; yet not hard either.

We spent 30 days in their native country – knowing that soon like so many other months these 30 days will be behind us, and before we know it we will be back home  as a family.

They did not want to sight-see with us.

Nevertheless, they did their best to look happy.

Lunch at the Hard Rock Cafe

Finally, happy swimming guppies in the pool at the hotel

Boy oh boy is that all it took to make them smile.

A warm pool; who knew?

We've been home as an official family for four years- It was hard, it was easy – they are great kids; socially well behaved, and popular among their peers , and learning more and more each day.


Today my husband and I are parents to a 13 year old boy – who is handsome, a gentleman, and good to all of his friends, he amazes us, he has achieved so much in the last 4 years.  He does well in school, tries real hard with every subjects, and was on the honor roll for about five minutes, which is incredible for someone that had no idea how to speak the English language, let alone read it and write it. He will do good things; we know it.  

We were home for a week when we enrolled them in school.  On their first day of school, as we were walking in with our son and daughter, a little boy went over to my son shook his hand and said  “Hi do you remember me, we went to camp together last year when you visited.”  At that moment my son smiled and nodded yes – I knew he was going to be OK.

This was their first day of school

Our daughter is now 11 going on 19 – in the four short years with us she grew  8, 9, 10,  inches – she is beautiful, makes friends wherever we go with her, tells us all the time that her and friends are the popular girls (oh boy!) yet she is kind, caring, sensitive and sometimes sassy.  Academically she struggles a bit, however, with every challenge that she faces, she overcomes it without any fuss, – she perseveres.  Her artwork is phenomenal with detail and precision. 

Our kids will be okay, we remind each other always.

Five years ago, when we signed up to do this – we had no idea what we were getting into…we didn't know them and they didn't know us, yet within those three weeks we saw all those great qualities that our children have now.  It was there and we knew it.  

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