Last night, meaning Sunday night, I went to bed exhausted and a little bummed.
I wanted to get a head start writing for NaBloPoMo for July….I have the best intentions, and that is to punch out two or three posts on the weekends; so I that I can just schedule my posts on the selected day , well that never happens, but I do aim high. This idea helps no one, except stresses me out and makes me feel guilty.
Having said all of that, I went to bed thinking about this month’s theme for NaBloPoMo: Decade; it is to commemorate 10 years of Blogher’s service.
However, it is also a perfect subject to express what has happened to me in the past 10 years.
Continuing back to Sunday night:
So do you know that time, when you are right at that point before you fall asleep? At that moment I heard a voice; not a familiar voice, like my voice or my husband’s, but a male voice clear and young but not a boys voice say to me, “ it’s the past leave it behind you, it is where it belongs!” I remember in my sleepy state I reasoned with this message – why not I thought, I am stressed, and fearful, and at times filled with such sadness that I could ever want to wish on my worse enemy.
At some point, I was able to negotiate with that voice, about my writing quest; and that is; yes agreed, the past is in the past; I should leave it there where it belongs. However, the last decade has made me the woman I am today.
Regardless of the message or warning, I will write and pour my heart out onto my desk and take care of it finally. – Maybe it will be hard and then again maybe not – Or it could be I will realize that the last 10 years was not as bad as I thought, and bearing my heart and soul is not needed.
Perhaps all I need to do is just process what happened; make peace move on and to prove that it did happen. Leave it in the past and face the next years confidently.
I often think that the last ten years are my own defining years. A lot has happened, nothing tragic, some disappointments, major changes, and many compromises. Throughout it all I kept on going I don’t think I ever stopped to reflect what occurred. Yet to this day I eagerly spew blame and regret because of my past.
This will be a perfect opportunity to make peace and leave it behind me- where it belongs.